if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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