worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
