All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We're too hungover to prance.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
