Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
