Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
