The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
