New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
