My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
