I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
