Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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