someone threw a dead crab at me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I wanna passion pit in your ass
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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