If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
