Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
