Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
