dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize