I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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