Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
