Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
