The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
