It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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