The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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