So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
