There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We smell like vodka and hangover
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize