The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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