There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
