my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
