Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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