Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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