i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
