I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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