Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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