The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
