Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
