I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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