The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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