I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
i think i just lost a toe
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
