Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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