I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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