Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
