nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
