just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
