Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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