I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I could fuck to npr.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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