I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
