My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
