Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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