Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
