WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
