when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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