It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
