how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize