So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
