allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
