The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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