the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize