Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
