I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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