When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
God I need to hump something, right now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
