I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
